My Letter To 2 Bens

I write this letter to 2 different friends of mine, both named Ben, who are going to be fathers in 2012.  I might reference Local Ben (he lives in Tuscaloosa and is set to be father to TWINS) or ATL Ben since that’s where he lives now (miss him and his super cool wife a TON).

Since I became a father in December 2011 I figured I’d share a little advice.  Obviously, I’m by no means a “fatherly expert” but here are some observations, recommendations, thoughts, and parental experiences that I’ve encountered in the last 30 days (Ashley was born exactly 30 days ago today) that I thought I’d share.  Here goes:

Be Their Spiritual Leader

Your child should never, ever know a better/greater spiritual influence in their life aside from you.  Your wife should be next after you.  Not a preacher, teacher, politician, or leader at your church – but you.  You have that responsibility, in fact you’re charged with being the spiritual leader of your home so I encourage you to answer that call and be the person that shows them Jesus always.  And shows them Jesus, teaches them about Him, talks about Him, lives Him out loud, just be the greatest influence in their walk that they ever know because you can influence them long after they leave a youth rally or come home from a Wednesday night service.  With some 80% of high schoolers abandoning their faith after graduation, you have about 18 years to prepare them for the world – and the world is a dark place now and getting darker.  That means you have an 18 year window of opportunity to help them grow and mature in their faith that once they leave the nest – the window is pretty much closed.  If you’re not quite ready for it now, the good news is you’ve got about 2 years to prepare.  That’s when your kid will have a brain capable of remembering things and learning things.  I cannot tell you how much differently I view reading Scripture now, I cannot tell you much more I pay attention to a Sunday service, I cannot tell you how much different I want to be today than I was yesterday, how much closer to Jesus I want to be tomorrow than I am today, because I have to be prepared to fight for my kid and I can’t do that if I’m a lukewarm Christian.  Again, I have to be the greatest influence on my kid’s life in showing them Jesus because I can’t risk someone else doing it.

I list this first because it is without question the most important.  You can show your kid Christ in ways no one else ever could.  You can pray with them more than anyone else.  They will mimic you more than anyone else.  So whatever it is you focus your life on, whatever is important to you, your child will quickly follow.

Someone once told me the easiest way to evangelize is to have a kid and raise them in a Christian home – since they’ll be in that environment for 18 years.  That’s a huge opportunity to win someone to Christ and the fact that someone is your kid makes it even more important for us as parents to do a lot of self evaluation and preparation to be the kind of parents that can be that super-important influence.  And please know, I’m not talking about ruling with an iron fist and expecting your child to come to Christ at the age of 3 – they will have to make their own decision and open their own heart to Him one day, we can’t affect that.  All we can do is show them love, guide them, teach them, hope, and pray.  Jesus will do what it takes to save your child (in fact, He did it all on the cross) we just have to do our part as responsible parents that believe in Him as Savior.

18 years, 18 years, we’ve got our kids – for 18 years.  (thanks Kanye)

And then they’re pretty much on their own.  Prepare yourself now so you can prepare them for when they leave.

Pray.  Every single day.  Starting right now.

Laura and I prayed, every single day, from the day we found out she was pregnant for the following:

• Healthy pregnancy
• Healthy baby development
• Healthy momma
• Full term (Local Ben, your 2 will most likely come a little early but twins born early is perfectly normal, they’ll be fine)
• Short labor at 9 months (it’s really 10 months – a full term baby is 40 weeks – apparently those that “practice medicine” can’t do math very well)
• Easy delivery
• Healthy born baby
• Easy recovery for momma
• Sweet/content baby that would sleep and not be colicy
• Read “Happiest Baby On The Block” for dealing with colic – I’ve got a copy I can send you if you need it
• A baby that would latch to Laura for milk
• That Laura’s milk would come in quickly and be the perfect nutrition for our daughter
• Our home would be safe sanctuary when we brought her home

Laura went into labor the day she was 40 weeks (according to her math, not that of the doctor).  She had zero complications or issues during her pregnancy (she exercised up until the day she went into labor and ate an exceptionally healthy diet).  Laura pushed twice and Ashley was born.  Ashley was/is perfectly healthy and in the first month has slept during the night in excess of 8 hours TWICE.  Ashley latched to Laura within minutes of being born and Laura is even freezing milk for future use.  Just FYI – not to be too personal and my wife might kill me – but if your wife can breast feed, encourage her.  It’s God’s perfect nutrition for your baby.  Now I know Local Ben’s wife might have trouble with 2 newborns, but that’s why God gave wisdom and opportunity to people to invent formula.  Use formula when there isn’t enough milk, if possible.  Some women can’t, some women won’t breast feed and that’s ok – perfectly normal.  But the bond I’ve seen in Laura with Ashley is priceless, it’s the caregiver / giver-of-life type bond.  Not to mention the economics of breast feeding – it’s way cheaper than formula!

We attribute the blessings of health and sleep and ease of adjustment to being parents – entirely and wholly to God.  Everything we prayed for was answered perfectly.  Except for maybe labor, Laura was in labor for about 18 hours (24 if you count the pre-labor) but we shudder to think how long she would have been in labor if we hadn’t bee praying daily for 9 months!

Love Changes

The love for your wife will never be the same.

The love for yourself will never be the same.

The love for your job/hobbies/friends/family will never be the same.

It’s not that I love Ashley more than Laura, it’s that I never knew I could love like I love Ashley.  I’d lay my life down in a second for Laura (John 15:13) and I’d do the same for Ashley, but it’s just a different love that I didn’t know I had in me.  People say “you never know until you have kids” and it’s true – now that I have a kid – I love in a way I didn’t know I could.

To see Laura care for Ashley makes me love Laura more.

To see Ashley smile (even if she’s passing gas) makes me love Ashley more.

But things that I cared about before Ashley, I don’t care about now and I don’t miss.  My priorities have obviously changed and I wouldn’t want my life to be any different.  Had you told me 7 or 8 years ago I’d say those words today, I would have laughed at you.  But I’m so glad I’ve said them and I’m so glad my life has changed so radically.

Does that mean I can’t go off on cool trips with my buddies whenever I want?  Yep.  But it also means I get to come home to 2 someones that love me and follow me.  I’m building my own little army with a General Mom and my first Jernigan recruit.  A home is something special that takes special care and special efforts from special people – it doesn’t just happen.  Now that my home has my wife and my daughter, there’s no other place I’d rather be.

Hype Your Wife

Starting immediately, you must build up your wife.  Proclaim her as beautiful, gorgeous, smart, thoughtful, caring, loving and all things positive.  Shower her with compliments now.  Her cooking is the best you’ve ever had.  She’s the most attractive woman you’ve ever seen.  The things she does are perfect and can’t be duplicated by anyone else, ever.

I was a biology major for 3 ½ years and if there’s anything I learned – aside from the complexities of life are too random to leave to chance, proving creation – it is the woman’s body is literally 10x more complicated than a man’s.  The hormones and ways their bodies react to things is so much more complex than the way a man’s body would react.

Couple that with the fact that your wife’s body is going to go through some incredibly wild hormone and physical changes, her mental state will be questionable to say the least.  That means you’ve got to begin the psychological efforts to build up your wife as the greatest woman, the most attractive woman, the sweetest woman, the most helpful woman, the most thoughtful woman – ever.  No other woman could ever walk the planet and be as awesome as your wife.  You’ve got to lay a THICK foundation with words to help her mindset because the hormones and thoughts she’s going to have will wage a war on her from a mental perspective.

Go ahead and mail it in, you’re going to do everything wrong, she’ll always be right – just tuck your tail and help her out.  I say that very sarcastically, Laura wasn’t like that, but there were times where I’d just “let her be right” because it’s easier and we can all move on and go back to being happy.  It’s not a big deal, it’s temporary, and it’s actually comical to a certain degree.

I cannot overemphasize this enough – shower her with compliments and gifts and massages because heads up – when the baby comes, everybody wants to see the baby.  Prior to the baby being born, everybody wanted to see the new mommy.  So for your wife, she goes from being the center of attention to the back burner and with hormones mixed in, heads up – you’ve got to prepare her and hype her and be her biggest fan in all the things she does.  You’ve got to build her up so that when the baby comes, and the attention shifts, you keep your attention on your wife with words and love because otherwise she’s going to feel neglected or left out.  Someone told me about this postpartum issue and how to try to avoid it – compliment your wife and focus your attention on her the whole time and especially after the baby is born.

The Hospital Stay = Shawshank Prison

Your wife will go into labor (Laura recommends the Baby Bump app – full version) and you had better be ready.  The hospital-stay bag should be packed around 7 months, the nursery should have been ready, supplies stocked up, etc because when the moment comes – you gotta be ready.  You can’t be running around like a chicken with no head, you gotta focus – this is the closest to throwing a Super Bowl winning TD pass you’ll ever have, so be ready.

So if your wife is really in labor and they admit you to the hospital and hook your wife up to a bunch of cool electronic things, you’ve gotta be the bedside coach – and get the heck out of the way the rest of the time.

You’ve been relegated to sleep on a modern day torture wrack.  It’s not comfortable, you’re both exhausted, the room is cold, the couch/chair thing is comparable to sleeping on a carpeted floor with rubber sheets.  Why in God’s great name hospitals can’t get comfortable furniture for the dad is a total mystery.  With the price of health care going up, you’d think they’d have you sleeping on a Sleep Number bed with a full-time massage therapist standing by.

Go ahead and reserve yourself to the fact that your stay at the hospital – from the man’s perspective – is going to be quite uncomfortable.  It’s ok, you’re not there for a vacation, you’re there to cheer on your wife.  Having a bed that would be better suited for a correctional facility is just a part of the game.

Oh, and the food – it’s below average.  It’s hospital food for a reason.  My advice is have friends/family bring you something good to eat.  You’re going to get meals from the hospital, your insurance is going to pay for them, take advantage of them and eat what you want from the hospital – just if you want Chick-fil-A tell someone to bring it to you.

The day you get to leave the hospital is very much like the moment Andy Dufresne climbed out of the sewer in The Shawshank Redemption.  The sun will shine brighter, the birds will sing prettier, the sky will be bluer, all because the stress and discomfort is behind you.

Sort of, the stress is really just beginning but the feelings of cabin fever you get in the hospital can be miserable.  Take your wife for short walks in the hallways, push your kid around in the hallway in the evenings after people leave, just try to find a way to get around a bit as best your wife can to help alleviate the stress and discomfort.  After all, she just gave BIRTH so she’s gonna be pretty uncomfortable.

You Are Robin – She Is Batman

Your home now, it’s officially parenting game on.  If you think of parenting like super heroes you can make things a lot more manageable.

Local Ben – your job is a little more complex with 2 little ones but that doesn’t me ATL Ben gets a pass either.

Like the heading says, you are Robin and she is Batman.

She’s leading the charge and you back her up.  You cheer her on.  You do anything you can to make her job easier.  If it makes the situation more positive, do it.  If it makes the situation easier, do it.  No matter what, you’ve gotta be there for your wife and help her in every capacity.

That doesn’t mean she gets to sit on a couch and order you around.  It means you do all the dishes, the cooking, the laundry, the cleaning, if necessary because it removes a level of stress from your wife’s world.  She’s struggling to figure out the parenting thing too, her hormones are going crazy, she will struggle with feelings of inadequacy and anything you can do to cheer her on – like I said – and anything you can do to make things easier for her will go a long, long way towards making parenting an enjoyable experience.  It’s not meant to be torture but it can be if you let it or if you neglect it.

She’s gonna struggle feeding your kid, that’s ok because it takes 2-6 weeks for her body to make enough milk.  Sometimes 8 weeks for her to make enough.  Sometimes her body won’t make any, ever.  And that’s ok, that’s not a sign she loves her child less, it’s a simple complication that can easily get fixed with formula.

However, you cannot simply show your wife the solution and expect all to be well.  She’s a woman, she’s emotional.  You have to sympathize with her, love her, relate to her, and help her through the moment.  If you simply offer up a solution you’ll miss an opportunity to help your wife because she doesn’t need solutions, she needs sympathy before she can get moving towards a solution.  Again, women are emotional creatures by nature so you’ve got to flip your mindset into taking that into account when she’s having a stressful moment.  When she’s freaking out and crying, hold her, soothe her, relate to her, then help her.  As men, we try to help her and move on and we miss an opportunity to really help our wives in a way they appreciate.

If she’s feeding the kid or pumping milk, you do the dishes.  If she’s giving the kid a bath, you prep for dinner and take out the trash.  Anything you can do, any measure of double duty is something I did that made adjusting to a home with a kid a lot easier.  Let your wife – heck, tell your wife to focus on the kid and you’ll take care of the rest for the first few weeks.  She’s gotta come down off a hormonal roller coaster so anything you can do to physically help matters will help her tremendously.  Like the saying says, “if momma ain’t happy, ain’t nobody happey.”  Work towards a happy momma.

But you have to be the sidekick, she’s the headline act, all eyes on her so anything you can do to make your house/home a place with less work for her – the better.  And do it with a smile on your face.  Serve her as best you can, love on your kid every available moment, and do anything in your power to help your wife.  You’re not gonna sleep much anyway, so while you’re at it you might as well make her life as easy as possible as she heals and struggles with going from normal to pregnant to really pregnant to labor to no kid inside her.  That’s a huge, HUGE change to undergo and your efforts will really go a long way.

It’s Your World – You Are Their World

Now that you’ve brought your kid home, you don’t need to stop everything you’re doing and consider life a boring version of what used to be…  But you’re going to stop everything you used to do for a while, and that’s a good thing.

Your child only knows of the world that you provide, so involving them in what you do is an awesome opportunity for them to grow and become socialized.  But you can’t just run out the week after leaving the hospital and take your kid to the beach.  You’ve got to slow life to a snail’s pace for the first while, adjust to having a kid, and then see how life may pick back up.

Whatever you were doing 2 weeks or 2 months before the kid was born, put it all on hold for a while.  Adjusting to parenthood takes time for you and the kiddo too, so be sure to hold off on things for a while.  Make some space in your life, see what can fit in after you’ve brought a kid into yours.

You are their world – you and your wife are all they know – so keep that in mind as anything comes up that’s not work or going to the grocery store.  If there’s a movie you want to go see, I suggest getting a Netflix account.  If you’d like to go out to eat or go to church, be sure you wait long enough for your kid to develop an immune system and again, that takes time to develop.  She’s in your world, but you are her world, so be sure to take time to bring her into yours.

Don’t Miss A Single Moment

Buy a really nice camera, read the manual, practice with it before the kid is born, take lots of pictures.  I mean LOTS of pictures.

The reason is pretty simple: the moment you see today, that which happens right now, will never ever happen again.  You’ve got 1 chance to record the formative history of your child – and likewise your new family – and if you don’t capture it you’ll miss it and forget it.

Ashley was 4 days old, we had her home, I was rocking her after a feeding, I was exhausted after the hospital stay and getting home and adjusting to life with a kid and all I wanted was some sleep.  I hadn’t gotten much – if any – while at the hospital and getting home wasn’t a place of rest just yet.  I was rocking her, hoping she would go to sleep quickly so I could get to sleep and it’s almost like her voice spoke to me in my head saying “Dad, I’m only gonna be 4 days old 1 time.”  I sat there and rocked her for 2 hours until her next feeding, just holding her and looking at her.  I could care less about sleep at that moment and to this day I still don’t if I can hold my girl.  There are plenty of things I could be doing, but I’m only going to get to hold and sing to and pray over my baby girl one time and I want to be greedy with those moments.

You Will Have “The Moment”

Check that, you will have a multitude of The Moments.

There will be times you’ll be so stressed with your child that one of you is going to die.  You’re either jumping off a bridge or the kid is going up for sale on eBay; one of you has to go.

That is when you have to rely on your spouse for survival.

When you’re at the point that somebody has to go, tag in your wife.  She’s gonna do the same when her stress level reaches DEFCON Level 5.  You 2 need to talk about it before the kid is born and be mindful of how you feel when a screaming, crying kid is in your arms, pukes on you, and won’t shut up.  Feel free to take a few minutes in another room with your screaming kid in the other.  Collect your thoughts, get something to drink, and go back in to fight the good fight.  Rely on your wife for help, that’s what they’re there for.  I’ve woken Laura up to take over with Ashley and she’s done the same.  You find yourself REALLY appreciating and loving the other person in those moments where you can help each other out.

Another moment you’ll have – the realization that you’re a parent.  I had mine on the way home from the hospital, not when I held Ashley for the first time which I was anticipating would be the magical mountain-top like moment.  I was sitting at a red light, wife and newborn in the back, and lost it.  Just broke down and lost it like a blubbering fool in traffic.  Not the ideal setting to have blurred vision from tears and shaking, but it’s going to hit you at some point – this is your warning men.

Be A Germaphobe For 3 Months, It’s Ok

Your kid is born without an immune system.  They grow into having the ability to create the antibodies needed to fight germs, so you have to fight every germ like your life depends on it.

That means nobody touches your kid unless they’ve washed their hands well.  That means every time you come home, wash your hands first thing.  You don’t want to bring germs home from work or the store that might make your kid really sick.

Anyone that comes to the hospital to see you, kindly tell them “if you’d like to wash up and hold her, there’s the soap and sink!”  That way you look like you’re encouraging them to hold your kid while at the same time helping prevent the spread of any germ they might have.  Same thing when they come to visit you at home – “if you’d like to wash up and hold her, we’ve got some great smelling soap in the kitchen!”

Carry hand sanitizer with you when you take your kid places.  Use it on your hands every time you get somewhere and while you’re there.  I’m not a total freak, but what I am a total freak about is taking care of my girl and that means no germs.

Sterilize everything you put in their mouth.  Pacifiers and bottles get washed with warm water and germ killing soap, then rinses in water with a splash of bleach, then rinsed thoroughly to air dry.  That prevents germs and bacteria from growing on the things that touch your kid or touch stuff that touches stuff that touches your kid.

And it’s ok to be this way.  After about 3 months the booster shots have kicked in and your kid should be well on their way to being healthy.  I’m just a n0 chance taking type of person so when it comes to germs; I’ve declared nuclear war.

Essential Gear, Gadgets, & Supplies

Swaddling blankets, Happiest Baby On The Block (it’s the book I mentioned), sound machine noise makers, butt cream, diapers, the safest car seat money can buy, a cool/handy/safe/quality stroller – those are the requirements as far as I’m concerned.  Everything else you get, everything else your wife wants, that’s all what I call nice-to-haves, they are not requirements to child development and happiness.  (ladies, note the sarcasm)

Swaddling Blankets

We got “Aden and Anais” swaddling blankets and they are awesome.  Keeping your kid wrapped up like a burrito helps recreate the womb (a tight, warm environment) where your kid can’t flail around.  Ashley sleeps peacefully wrapped up and you can really tell she’s comfortable.  Swaddling is covered in extreme detail in the book I’m about to mention, but the brand we got are really durable and big so you can totally wrap your kid.

Happiest Baby On The Block

Great book by an MD doc that’s studied the new development of babies for decades all over the globe and has seen tens of thousands of new babies born. But what he covers makes a lot of sense to me and the way he relates it makes reading it not as painful as reading typically is for me.  If the book came in a movie I’d definitely rent it instead but you do what you gotta do.

Sound Machine

Get at least 1 white noise maker and play it really loud near your kid.  Right now, the volume inside the womb is about as loud as a vacuum cleaner so having white noise that loud helps them cope with the outside world.  We have a couple in the house so where ever we are with Ashley and we put her down, we can have the background noise she was used to when she spent 9 months in the 98.6 degree hot tub.

Butt Cream

We didn’t know you needed butt cream for your kid starting day 1.  You don’t want a kid with diaper rash so when changing diapers, after you get them cleaned up you gotta put some cream on them.  You’ll see where the diaper elastic presses on their skin or areas get red, and it can get pretty rough for a baby if they don’t get some skin care.  We use Boudreaux Butt Paste and it works wonders – no diaper rash to date.

Diapers

Every time you get paid, buy some diapers – about 80 of them.  We got the best deals on diapers at Toys R Us of all places, but we’d also shop for deals and use coupons.  But with every pay period we were buying diapers and putting them in a closet.  That way, when the kid comes you’re not constantly having to buy more diapers.  We stocked up and had about 1,700 diapers in a closet and then the fine folks at work threw a diaper and wipe shower where we brought home another 1,000.  That’s right, 2,700 diapers in a closet – enough to last a solid year, minimum.  That’s for one kid so ATL Ben is in luck if he can get his hands on 2,700 diapers while Local Ben needs a solid 5,000 in the house to last him a year.  Your mind will be blown how fast you’ll go through them so start buying some sized N, 1, or 2 sized diapers.  You can swap them out later for a different size if you need to so you don’t have to keep receipts on them all.

Car Seat

Get the safest car seat money can buy.  I’m not saying find the one that’s encrusted in diamonds, find the one that is the safest that’s normal.  We got Chicco (pronounced Key-Coh) Keyfit 30 because it’s the safest model we could find for kids up to 30 pounds, some other Chicco’s are good for newborns only.

Cloth Diapers – for burp cloths

While I’d like to protect the environment from the 2,700 diapers in my closet, the simple fact remains that’s not going to happen.  But go buy a couple of packages of cloth diapers from Wal-Mart.  Wash them in the same die free / scent free detergent you wash your baby’s clothes in, and you’ve instantly got a pile of burp clothes.  Soft, absorb goo, cheap = Good Idea.  You’ll get a bunch of fancy bibs and stuff that’s embroidered and to be honest, what works best is the cloth diapers, plain and simple.  And cheap.

Stroller

Get one and use it.  Take your wife and kid for walks whenever possible, it gets them out of the house and trust me, the house can really close in on you.

Get one that is also really safe and has high user ratings.  We got a Zooper Waltz which is not a common brand, and we’re ok with that because we can use this one from the time she’s 5.  It’s easy to fold up and has a really big canopy to keep sun off the kiddo.  You’ll see lots of moms that have systems where the car seat clicks into the stroller, the Zooper is not one of those.  The car seat straps into it, which is fine, but the thing is so diverse and handy I’m glad Laura picked this one.

And nobody else around here has one, I like being different.

Your Kid Is REALLY Tough

I used to freak out when I’d see a baby, I’d freak out holding a baby, I’d freak out watching people handle babies because I was scared they’d get hurt.

Your kid is durable goods.  So long as you keep 2 points of contact, support the head and butt, you’re good.  Arms and legs can flail and as long as you support their head and butt you can wheel a kid around almost like a Harlem Globe Trotter spins a basketball, almost.

At first, your kid will scream like you’re killing it when you change a diaper.  When you change clothes, they will cry like they’re dying.

And then they will get used to it and be fine with it.  Remember, they’re adjusting too so be patient – talk softly to them as they turn red in the face.  Your stress is contagious so don’t get too worked up when changing clothes or diapers and they’re not cooperating totally.  Whoever invented the snaps for baby clothes must have been an Olympic power lifter.  I’ve had to WORK to get baby clothes unsnapped so bear that in mind too.

But really though, your kid is really, really tough.  Keep the germs away, keep 2 points of contact, and you can easily carry our kid with 1 hand while carrying dishes.  Just be sure to drop the dishes and not the baby if 1 has to go…

I’M DONE!

My good friends Ben, and your lovely wives, if you need anything don’t hesitate to call me or Laura.  We love you guys, we’re so proud of you and we know you’re gonna do great!  I just wanted to document some of the things I’ve learned in the first month and share them with you and anyone else that reads this.  All kids are different, all parenting experiences are different, but I just hope that some of what I’ve typed here helps a little.